absolutely no fun

There are moments in my life where everything is so clear, and I understand that I didn’t understand anything correctly before.  Usually they come at the point of maximum frustration.  In fact, there are lots of those moments.

Makes me think I might need to just stop getting frustrated, and maybe I’d start to naturally see the (usually better) way it really is.  But maybe it’s that frustration that makes the epiphany so clear.  Who knows?  You?

Sometimes after I realize I’ve seen something backwards for so long, I wonder why I didn’t just see forward the whole time.  Because forward is usually the way that I like it.

I’ll admit I’ve got a bit on my plate right now, and a lot of it can be frustrating.  I’m working on a big project, and I keep feeling stifled.  Or at least like I don’t know what else to do.  And sometimes I just let go and have a ton of fun with it.  I’ve found that the really fun stuff that I have doesn’t always quite work–I’m aware of that when I write it–but it’s totally going in the right place.  And there’s a guy above me with much more authority who helps me get it there.

Only for quite a while I’ve felt like he’s been telling me not to have fun, even though when I do have fun, we work with it and it goes places.  I’m not in any way visual, but one of my ideas turned into an actual graphic.  I’m a smart girl, is the point, and I’m good at writing.  And ideaing.  There’s no reason I shouldn’t be able to handle this.

But I kept feeling like I was being told “absolutely no fun.”

Today he wrote a page that I should’ve written but I was way too facts-n-no-fun.  And it blew my mind.  It.  Was.  So.  FUN.  I don’t know why I didn’t write it.

The whole time I’ve been feeling like I can’t have a voice, but my voice is exactly what they want.  They want me to have fun.  So why did I see it backwards so long?

It’s all a confidence issue.  And I know myself and I am fairly confident.  But when it comes to doing new things, I put myself in a mindset of possessing absolutely no authority.  But that’s what’s important: that I be the author.  So all I need to do is play hard and back it up.  All I need is confidence.

So maybe the reason I see things backwards, even though I’d be happier (and better) if I just saw things forward, is that I lack the confidence to be happy (and better).  In certain situations.  Regardless.  I should fall back on my knowledge–that I have every reason to be confident–more often.